Troubled.

I had a meltdown last Saturday.

I still have bad days-they seem to just get fewer and farther between-but they still have the intensity they did when Mom died.


My dad, aunts, and I went out with Toots to celebrate her 83rd birthday. We were in the restaurant laughing at Toots and her penchant for pink sweetener all over everything on her plate to 'doctor it up' and my aunts innocently began making small talk-asking me about my life and such. I began to share about how things were going well, but....

This bit of perhaps unwarranted vulnerability-sometimes June comes bustin' out all over, and by June I mean That Girl- surprised everyone. They tried to make me feel better that things take time and sometimes we're living on dreams and spaghetti-Os wondering where our lives are gonna go, as Martina McB says. Bless their hearts, they didn't know what to do with That Girl who suddenly turned on the waterworks and began to cry. I wasn't crying about my life. It really is lovely. I am thankful for my many blessings.

Honestly, I was weeping because I had looked at the occupants of my table and realized that there was a seat with no occupant. In that moment I felt so defeated and sorrow filled my heart as I realized for the millionth time that she would never be at a special family event again. There will be a hole at K's 7th birthday party this weekend. No one to call me early in the morning and tell me she was thankful for her unexpected pregnancy @36 when I turn 24 next month. No one to light the unity candle someday or to talk me through my first baby's fever. No one to tell me that she's still my biggest fan when I mess up, cry with me when my feelings are hurt or to tell me ever so gently that the skirt makes my hips look big and wouldn't this be a better choice for my body shape?!

No more of those beautiful things.


My heart was troubled.

I think as believers we have a responsibility to ask why. Jesus instructs us to be like children, and all the children I know ask 3 billion questions, sometimes again and again if they forget the answer of why the sky is blue or the grass is green.


After my tiny yet embarrassing scene crying in front of my family, where I wandered around looking like Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer because of my slightly ugly cry trying to find the bathroom, somehow I attracted the stare of every.single.patron in the whole joint who were trying to figure out who is That Girl anyway and why did she just open up the door to the supply closet?

( Can't I even have a moment of sadness gracefully here?! )


Then Dad decided to drive by the cemetery. Here comes Waterworld again.


I got out of the car and shut the door. Through my tears I stood and looked at the butterfly on her stone. I couldn't really see it that well through all the tears collected in my eyes. I looked at her birth and death dates and got mad all over again.

why?


this is really no good, in case You haven't noticed, I told Him.



Then I do what I always do, mad or not but always through teary eyes, went to the other side of the grave.

I made myself read it.

I ran my fingers along the words and tried to get the dust off off the grave, so cool to my touch in the heat of the day.



My peace I leave with you. My peace I give to you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid. John 14:27



Then it came. Not the answer I wanted, but the one I needed.

Don't be troubled.

It sounds really simple, and yet when my eyes focused in on the word troubled, I could hear my Savior's voice. Not audibly of course, but that still small voice.

In this world you will have trouble. The tricky part is not to let it trouble you.

I may have Trouble. But Trouble doesn't have me.


After typing the word trouble so many times I want to also tell you that the word looks weird to me now. My apologies.


My heart has seen difficulty. My life has been changed. The fact that I belong to Jesus has not changed, and although tragedy and heartache have come knocking on my door and I have repeatedly asked why, he has told me that sometimes the answer is not as important as the faith it takes to ask the question. I may ask why, but I won't let the lack of a full blueprint trouble my heart. I won't be troubled by the lack of answers. Instead, I will let that perfect peace rest deep in my heart and soul--the peace that even as I ask the same questions again and again, I may not get every answer just this second but I will be safe and he will provide for me, like a parent cares for a child. The peace that he loves me and that he knows how much of the answer I can handle right now, and how much needs to be saved for later.
I won't be troubled come Saturday. I'll see my mom's smile on K's face when she opens her brand new Princess Protection Program DVD (the gift that keeps on giving-shhh) and I'll know that Mom is no longer troubled by things like cancer, or chemo, or bills to pay, or even sin. He will grant me the peace of HOPE in redemption and resurrection.

I leave you with a Puritan prayer that has really encouraged me.

O God, most high, most glorious, the thought of Thine infinite serenity cheers
me, for I am toiling and moiling, troubled and distressed, but Thou art for ever
at perfect peace. Thy designs cause thee no fear or care of unfulfilment, they
stand fast as the eternal hills. Thy power knows no bond, Thy goodness no stint.
Thou bringest order out of confusion, and my defeats are Thy victories: The Lord
God omnipotent reigneth.
I come to Thee as a sinner with cares and sorrows, to leave every concern entirely to Thee, every sin calling for Christ's precious blood; revive deep spirituality in my heart; let me live near to the great Shepherd, hear His voice, know its tones, follow its calls. Keep me from deception by causing me to abide in the truth, from harm by helping me to walk in the power of the Spirit. Give me intenser faith in the eternal verities, burning into me by experience the things I know; Let me never be ashamed of the truth of the gospel, that I may bear its reproach, vindicate it, see Jesus as
its essence, know in it the power of the Spirit.
Lord, help me, for I am often lukewarm and chill; unbelief mars my confidence, sin makes me forget Thee. Let the weeds that grow in my soul be cut at their roots; grant me to know that I truly live only when I live to Thee, that all else is trifling. Thy presence alone can make me holy, devout, strong and happy. Abide in me, gracious God.

I've been praying for you today. May the peace of Christ be with you now and forever.

Q and A...

I got completely done with my Q and A post and my computer failed to keep the connection. So all of my time answering your questions has been wasted.


I will put the answers up tomorrow.


If I am done sucking my thumb and weeping in the fetal position.

we'll see.

fine. Tomorrow it is.
Because you're worth it.


:D

Better Go and Get Your Armor.

Jordin Sparks is right. Only I would change her lyric just a little bit from the original.

Why does life always feel like a battlefield?



I never meant to start a war.

and yet, I find myself in one.

Scripture tells me that there's someone interested in stealing, killing, and destroying my life and the lives of those I love. Some folks will tell you that he is not real, but I assure you, he is. He is Satan, and if you know Jesus Christ, you are in a battle with him. He does not like you and he would like to take you out.

These are just a few of Satan's means to the end of destroying every believer:

discouragement
frustration
gossip and slander
porn*graphy
unforgiveness
financial bondage
bitterness
keeping us busy with good things so we neglect our relationship with Jesus


Sometimes, we let Satan have his way simply because we choose not to use the armor God has given us to protect ourselves.

Now, let me tell you what this armor is NOT before I remind you what it is. It is NOT shutting ourselves off from the world and hiding in our church pews like terrified fainting goats. It's not sheltering those we love from the harsh reality of life. It's not ignoring the problem and hoping it will go away or just giving up.

It's learning to fight darkness with light. After all, the Bible tells us that we don't fight the way the world fights.

The world is unprincipled. It's dog-eat-dog out there! The world doesn't fight fair. But we don't live or fight our battles that way—never have and never will. The tools of our trade aren't for marketing or manipulation, but they are for demolishing that entire massively corrupt culture. We use our powerful God-tools for smashing warped philosophies, tearing down barriers erected against the truth of God, fitting every loose thought and emotion and impulse into the structure of life shaped by Christ. Our tools are ready at hand for clearing the ground of every obstruction and building lives of obedience into maturity. 2 cor. 10:3-4 the message

It takes changing the way we think and act in order to defend ourselves against this enemy who so readily prowls on both the weak and the strong, the poor and the rich, the young and the old. He's an equal-opportunity offender. He wants you because he knows how powerful you are with the Holy Spirit inside of you, ready to make a powerful difference and potentially help snatch a few from Hell's clutches.

He is also not going to force you to dress in the armor He has given us. It's our choice to put on that armor that protects us from the lies the enemy whispers to us, the sin that so easily entangles us, and the discouraging darts that he launches to bring us down for the count. For vulnerability's sake, sometimes I get so sick and tired of fighting I just let Satan do what he wants and start believing the lies he sells me. Isn't that ridiculous?

I worship the God of the universe, and He doesn't take any crap. He REALLY doesn't take any crap when it comes to His kids.


Instead of rolling over and playing dead like I want to do occasionally, He wants us to stand up and declare that we belong to Him and that nothing we have done or left undone defines who we are. Only Jesus defines us now! That's why we have to protect ourselves.

10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full
armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For
our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the
authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual
forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God,
so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and
after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of
truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of
peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you
can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of
salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in
the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in
mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.

This may sound dorky, but when I pray about this, I actually pretend like I am putting something on! Don't make fun. It works!



Let's talk about this armor, piece by piece.


The helmet of Salvation...
I try to remember that this piece of armor protects my thoughts and my beliefs about God, myself, and others. As Satan may try to whisper lies into my ear, I am responsible for remembering that I am a child of God and that Jesus defines me. NOTHING ELSE.

That person doesn't like you.
You are fat and ugly.
You aren't as smart as her.
You really blew it last week.
You aren't very successful.

The list of lies goes on and on. Yet, when I place on the Helmet of Salvation, I can remember that I have been saved by grace through faith and now belong in the Kingdom of God. When you place on the Helmet of Salvation, pray that God will remind you of who you are in Christ. This always helps me.



The Breastplate of Righteousness.
When I think of this piece of armor, I think of a medieval knight's armor, especially that big piece that covers his heart and protects his vital organs. When placing this on, we remember that though we are unrighteous, Jesus paid the price for our sin and we have been made righteous in God's sight through the blood of Chirst. This protects us as the Enemy reminds us of past failings and shortcomings and tries to get at our hearts. We are told in Scripture to guard the heart, because it's the wellspring of life.


The Belt of Truth
In my mind, the belt of truth is much more like a girdle than a belt. I have always loved girdles because they hold everything together and keep it from jiggling around. Much like a girdle, the belt of truth is to remind us about
who God says He is
&
what He says He can do
When we buckle that belt of truth (or lay on our beds to hoist that girdle up, so to speak) we are committing to remind ourselves about God's character. This means calling Scripture to mind when we are tempted to believe something untrue about God. His word holds us up and keeps us all together, helping us to know how to act and be and keeping us encouraged so we don't fall apart.



The shoes of the Gospel of Peace
I'm all about the pedicure. God is making our feet ready to share Christ and stay on the narrow path. In Colossians, we are told to let the peace of God reign in us. I always think of that verse when I put on the shoes of peace. When God doesn't want us to wander or disobey, he pulls back the reigns on us and this explains our lack of peace. He is trying to help us obey, and if we are unsettled about something, generally it's the Spirit warning us. We are also sent out to share Jesus with everyone, and the shoes of peace help to READY us to accomplish this without getting sidetracked. How beautiful are the feet of those who bring Good News!


you know the old sports saying, "Offense wins games. Defense wins championships." This is also true in the Kingdom of God.

The Sword of the Spirit.
This part of the armor represents offense. Offense wins skirmishes with Satan, and he desperately wants to get you off of your game. That's why we must not only carry the Sword of the Spirit, but memorize the Word of God and hide it in our hearts, so when we are tempted to disobey God, we will be reminded of what He has commanded us and avoid sin.



The Shield of Faith
This part of armor represents defense. We are to use the gift of faith God has given us in order to protect ourselves from the fiery darts of the Enemy sent to make us believe lies about God. That belt of truth holds us up, but it takes faith to believe those things are true and that God has more power in His pinkie finger than Satan has in all of Hell. This helps us stand against the evil one. We can use the Word of God as offensive protection and coverage, but only the Lord Himself can win the actual battle. We are not righteous or holy apart from Him, so we must have our belief in His strength defending us at all times.


I have to admit, I didn't treat this post as a seminarian. I treated it as a Woman of God who has fought many battles and only because of Jesus has a winning record.

I KNOW that this was for at least one reader today....I had a different post in mind and this is what came out.



Better go and get your armor.

My dad actually named both of his children. Keep in mind that I am the only girl on my dad's side of the family, and my Grandma, Toots, was plumb excited to have a little lady in her group of grands. Thus, Toots had LOTS of name suggestions for my parents as they prepared for my birth. My mom wasn't a mom who had a bunch of names picked out before she went to the hospital, and although they discussed names with both my brother and myself, by the time her water broke, no conclusion had been reached on a name for each gender.

My dad gave my brother his name when my mom called him in a panic. This was back when women got a two or three day hospital stay even after a natural birth, and my dad was at work when my mom called him and said, "Pick a name for this poor child! I don't know what to call him and they keep bringing me to him and he doesn't even have a NAME!"

you see where I get it.


So the second or third day after his birth, my brother got his name. It's a good one too.

So obviously, when Toots began to suggest names for me, my mom was all ears at first. The Captain (my dad) had rejected her pick, Nicole, and they assumed I was a boy all through the pregnancy. They referred to me as Nicholas. A lot of therapy appointments later I can admit that to you :D

Anyhow, Toots declared that she had a couple of BEAUTIFUL NAMES--family names--that would be so perfect and wouldn't they just make a lovely moniker for sweet little Baby Girl Biggs?


yeah. about that.

Her suggestion stemmed from the fact that her maiden name was Barnett and my dad's name is a weird variation of Kevin--Keevin (pronounced Key-vin). She decided that it was only fair and smart and right and sweet and too cute to name me:


BARNETTA SUE BIGGS.

folks, you know that you know that I cannot make this stuff up.

But as my mom was trying to tactfully reject sweet Toots's suggestion, she declared that if it wouldn't work, she had another option.

KEEVILEEN.

perfect. so incredibly perfect. Heck, why didn't my mom think of that?


No worries, it's fine that mom didn't know what she was going to name a little girl. She was SOOOO having a boy. Soooooo completely having a boy named Nicholas.



And then, on August 8, 1985, when I made my grand debut, I immediately turned a lot of heads. Of course, I was a cute newborn (hee hee, who isn't?) but I mostly caught everyone's attention. I was lacking something expected.


Hold up, wait a minute. we got one that pees sitting down here, people.

Get out the pink blankets. No Nicholas here.


I have been told that my aunt, KARLEEN (also named by Toots) screamed so loudly in the waiting room when they declared my gender that my mom could hear her in the delivery room. She leaned over to the nurse and said, "That is my sister-in-law. She must have just heard the news."

Again with the no names. I should have used this example when my mom brought up my award-winning procrastination techniques. It's not like she was all Boy-Scout with her "Be prepared" up in there. So once again, she asked my dad to please pick a name for That Girl to whom I just gave birth.

He picked Lauren because he thought it was pretty and my middle name as Elyse, a funky-spelling'ed version of one of his favorite piano pieces: Fur Elise by Beethoven.


A lot of work for when I go out in public and still get called "That Girl."



2.) I collect Willow Trees, but I never buy any for myself. I think they are beautiful and they suit lots of home decor.


3.) The veggie on my desk was a cucumber. Thankfully someone I know has a green thumb so I can have a little fresh produce. Holler if you've got something homegrown!!

4.) LEMON SHAKE-UPS/Fish/Pronto Pups. Like I can pick just one...you should see me in the shoe store.

5. My favorite board game is "Barbie: Queen of the Prom" circa 1961. Thank you, Mindy, for exacting this amazing find. Although I don't own a copy of the most simultaneously chauvinistic and hilarious game ever, my birthday is around the corner so I'm hopeful. My favorite game show is totally "The Newlywed Game" and when we played the game with our friends from church it was a real hoot--especially since the SINGLES got to ask the questions of the marrieds.



Okay, I will be answering reader questions on Monday or before. in the meantime, pray for Spurgeon Church and for me as I will be bringing the message on Sunday. Visit my sidebar for the link!

love you like I love Friday nights!

Time for More Q and A...

Bloggerotsky, did you ever wonder why my parents named me Lauren? Or what I love to collect? Or what vegetable is currently sitting on my desk at work right next to me as I type away? Or what my favorite Fairground food is? What my favorite game show is?





Well, now's your time, honey. This is your day! All of your questions answered here. So leave your comments filled with what your sweet little inquiring minds want to know, and I will answer them in a timely manner.


oh, and by the way:
I will answer the questions listed above tomorrow :D

And now a rather shameless plug from the sponsor of this blog....

Just to let you know, I am now prayerfully accepting speaking engagements for the fall. If this is something in which your women's group, church, girl's youth ministry, or other organization is interested, please contact me at lauren.thatgirl@gmail.com

I will work with your budget in planning the event and I look forward to communicating with you regarding your need for a speaker!



Not to mention I love you more than Roger Federer love his tennis racket.

I Bring you a Bit of Deliciousness From Senior High Camp.

Hoagies and Grinders! Hoagies and Grinders! Navy beans, Navy beans! Navy beans, Navy beans!